Long Slow Journey

It has been a long slow journey getting over the passing of my father...in fact it is 1 year for that passing and now we are facing his birthday without him once again. It is still hard to not have him around for counsel, but I am moving on and learning to accept that there will always be an empty place.
For anyone who is following or reading this blog...you may ask what does this have to do with art as I see it....well....actually that is exactly it. I don't seem to see the colors any longer. I first worried about not having the passion to paint, but figured as time passes, the passion would return. Then I worried,yes; I have come to realize that worry is my major job at the moment; but back to the subject of art, I worried that the colors I use to explore just don't excite me any longer. Ok, so this is the way it is going to be, I need to get over it and find ways to handle what I am left. There are great things that can be done with subtlety, I just have to learn how to handle it. My journey now is in learning to live with the quieter side of life, to see things NOW, not as I imagine them. To find beauty in the quiet leaves that are falling, the birds that take to wing, the lazy river that feeds the swamps. Not everything has to be blinding like the sun in your eyes......or rushing so fast that you only have glimpses. So I am going to slow down, I hope, and find something that will get me motivated again to paint. AND...I am going to have to learn how to stop worrying. HA!!!!! that may be my new passion.

About Art

I know this blog is suppose to be about art and how I see it.....but lately it has been about family and death. To me, I somehow have intertwined the two...without family I don't have art, without art I push the family away. This is a dark place to be and anger is ever present for whatever reason and for none at all. I do not wish to be an angry person, but it is where I am.

I am told to just paint...find a brush and canvas and just paint. It is so hard, nothingness is hard to compete with.....but I must do something to break this cycle. I set up the easel and for days I sat in front of it as if something would reach out and grab me. I set up the paint pans, the brushes, the light, the whatever next because nothing was happening. Just pretend. They say to pretend until it happens. I wasn't sure it would but I kept going there.

So I painted. I painted over anything that reminded me of another time. I subdued my colors, I knocked out any recognizable images, I pretended to go through the motions and at some point I found a place to be. I found the zone of unsolicited movement. It just happened. The final product is wishful, misty, quiet, maybe a place I am longing to be......but I painted and right now that is enough.

Broken and shattered

I thought I had quit trying.....then the call came that someone else in the family died suddenly.....21 years old and gone in a flash. A life of suddenness. She was always full of living, enjoying, laughing, trying, and now......she is gone. Another space in my heart ripped out.
Home from the funeral and once again a call....NO...this can't be happening...but yes another passing, and more passing's to come through out this year. How much can a heart take? one after another until the heart just goes numb. Why? no room to grieve, no room to learn to accept, just more sadness and pain. I look forward to this year ending except for the fact no one knows what is just around the corner.......will another boot fall?

the girl who seemed unbreakable
BROKE
the girl who seemed strong
CRUMBLED
the girl who always smiled
Cried
the girl who never gave up
JUST QUIT TRYING!

When does the Pain stop......

When does the Pain stop......
I really don't dwell on the latest events that have happened in my life.....but there are always these unexpected moments that bring it home to the heart. A photo, a small personal item, a letter, a thought.........even the wish to hear someone's voice just one more time. Then the tears flow and you stand there wondering how it happened that the sunshine filled day suddenly becomes a storm. I ask...when does the pain stop? Am I expecting relief too early or am I truly going into the tunnel of darkness of no return. Someone asked the other day HOW ARE YOU DOING.....I told them I am OK except when someone asks and it brings it all back to me once again. Isn't that silly? Everyone says I seem to be doing great...then why does it hurt so much. I guess, it is Father's Day and it is just another reminder that he is gone. I love you Dad. I posted a photo of you on my facebook page and everyone has written that I look just like you....funny, I never noticed it before.

It's late

It's late....or maybe I should say it is early. The wee hours of the morning like 2 am, once again I cannot sleep. I stroll around cyber space looking for motivation, inspiration, someone awake to distract me. Nobody home.....LOL....I did poke someone once on IM when I had a truly terrible night.... awakened them with that poke and got such a grumpy response I won't be doing that again. I have visited my old haunts trying to drum up something, anything, anyone. I don't know why I can't sleep tonight, some nights it is dreams that awaken me, tonight it is the nothingness. I have looked at art books, I have asked friends to go gallery hopping, I have cleaned up my brushes, I read R Genn. Painter's Keys, anything to help me find motivation. That last one, well it put me back in a funk, the letter I read was about how father's inspire their daughters....not a good moment for me on that one.
So anyway, just to get through the darkness I came here to let it go.....maybe one day I will wake up and be ready to start a project, a series, a sculpture.....anything. Tonight I just stare into the glow of a computer screen, maybe I am hoping for a cyber angel to appear and give me directions. Now that would be funny......NOT. Maybe I am comfortable in the stillness and just not aware................................

The long good bye......

It's over...I am drained and I am tired. I am also surprised by how many memories flood my brain at such unique moments and ones that are always catching me off guard. I think I am almost over being angry. That too is a story. But let it be known that my identity, from the things that I thought I knew, has been completely torn asunder. What I thought about what shaped me, in the past just might have been illusion. My make believe..My fantasy world..but, again that is another story.

I guess this blog is all about saying goodbye. To letting it go. To moving on and coping with everything. All of this effects my art, my creative side, my painting. I haven't had any desire to paint, but that is probably an excuse. I have surrounded myself with NOTHINGNESS....guess it is protection. Things that once excited me now just barely catch my attention. I don't like being with people, I don't trust my feelings about who they are any longer, or what they mean to me. At the same time I feel like I am looking through different eyes. Where did I actually go? My father died, why do I feel so dead myself?

I don't understand my feelings. I don't understand much of anything right now. My head is filled with past things, creeping in and capturing all memories. All these memories are also going through changes, seeing them through these new "eyes" that I am wearing, some of them not doing well with the change. More anger. I have to hunt for past things that brought me happiness. I guess I haven't been happy in a long time. Still, I need to let it go. I need to find my identity. I need to reinvent myself and find out who I AM before it is too late for me. I need to find those things that made me happy. So the question for myself would be......Where to begin. I guess it would be with a long good bye to who I was and then get busy in finding out who I am. Will this help me be creative again.... I don't know.

Nothing about ART....just about the now....

THE LONG WAIT with DAD.......

My father has been terminally ill for a year, 3 months and 6 days....his being on hospice that long has really been informative and allowed me to explore my thoughts on good health and how quickly all that can change. The unbelievable suddenness of desperate situations, as well as learning about the difference of preventive health and palliative health....believe me there are some really big differences. These are things not asked to be learned but are forced on you and you better catch on quick cause you don't have much time to study before the next batch of notes and changes are pushed in front of you once again.

The journey that I am learning is one I call "waiting for him to die" and it has brought a lot of understanding about ourselves, well for me anyway, right up front and in your face. It has opened my eyes in certain ways to the dynamics of the family unit. The needs you will fill and the ones you need for yourself, they really start pouring out when you know there is a deadline looming. During this process, this long waiting, I have learned there is nothing I can do...and there is no road map to guide you on the turns, loops, and detours.....mainly you just have to wing it and hang on, and sometimes that is just so very hard. The hairpin curves that nearly took Dad now and then, made this something of a roller coaster ride too. Did I say "something"..let me change that, this has been one helluva roller coaster ride. I do not believe there is one out that that can jerk you around like this one does, monthly, weekly, daily, and yeah hourly and you still hang on for the duration.
The trip has accelerated and is very rapidly approaching the destination and instead of the fear I had at the beginning, I have now come to the point where it is truly ALL ABOUT HIM...and his needs. Making him pain free, no debates any longer about turning him into an addict. His need to be heard, seen, and held as his body deteriorates..no flinching allowed..the changes in his physical body sometimes makes you wonder who is that person, but quick; get over the discomfort of the loss of hair, the lack of muscle tone, the personal hygiene and modesty going by the way side....all the things that make being with a person so easy and now despite the lack there of, you continue to ride, simply for the JOY of being included.

These last days, I find it funny how the small memories stick out and you remember moments and things they might like and the joy on their face when you "did good" and got it right. The joking and the laughter and the memories of things past, who would have thought in a hospital room with a dying person there could be such comfort and easy laughter. The small changes to the sterile room that I could make so it was more cozy and a bit more appealing, adding small details that add meaning to them; but, might be missed by all the others who come to visit. Just letting them know they were an important aspect of your life, not just as a parent but as the person they have shown to you as to who they really are and their strength they show and share in their last hours.

The immediacy of death lingering and hovering all around is so confusing, but it reminds me that there is something of a saying out there in cyber world...not real sure the whole idea or how it goes...but it rings in my ears ..MAN WHAT A RIDE...and yeah Daddy...you sure did give us an exciting one, always and forever.

Love You Always......................................................................