When does the Pain stop......

When does the Pain stop......
I really don't dwell on the latest events that have happened in my life.....but there are always these unexpected moments that bring it home to the heart. A photo, a small personal item, a letter, a thought.........even the wish to hear someone's voice just one more time. Then the tears flow and you stand there wondering how it happened that the sunshine filled day suddenly becomes a storm. I ask...when does the pain stop? Am I expecting relief too early or am I truly going into the tunnel of darkness of no return. Someone asked the other day HOW ARE YOU DOING.....I told them I am OK except when someone asks and it brings it all back to me once again. Isn't that silly? Everyone says I seem to be doing great...then why does it hurt so much. I guess, it is Father's Day and it is just another reminder that he is gone. I love you Dad. I posted a photo of you on my facebook page and everyone has written that I look just like you....funny, I never noticed it before.

It's late

It's late....or maybe I should say it is early. The wee hours of the morning like 2 am, once again I cannot sleep. I stroll around cyber space looking for motivation, inspiration, someone awake to distract me. Nobody home.....LOL....I did poke someone once on IM when I had a truly terrible night.... awakened them with that poke and got such a grumpy response I won't be doing that again. I have visited my old haunts trying to drum up something, anything, anyone. I don't know why I can't sleep tonight, some nights it is dreams that awaken me, tonight it is the nothingness. I have looked at art books, I have asked friends to go gallery hopping, I have cleaned up my brushes, I read R Genn. Painter's Keys, anything to help me find motivation. That last one, well it put me back in a funk, the letter I read was about how father's inspire their daughters....not a good moment for me on that one.
So anyway, just to get through the darkness I came here to let it go.....maybe one day I will wake up and be ready to start a project, a series, a sculpture.....anything. Tonight I just stare into the glow of a computer screen, maybe I am hoping for a cyber angel to appear and give me directions. Now that would be funny......NOT. Maybe I am comfortable in the stillness and just not aware................................

The long good bye......

It's over...I am drained and I am tired. I am also surprised by how many memories flood my brain at such unique moments and ones that are always catching me off guard. I think I am almost over being angry. That too is a story. But let it be known that my identity, from the things that I thought I knew, has been completely torn asunder. What I thought about what shaped me, in the past just might have been illusion. My make believe..My fantasy world..but, again that is another story.

I guess this blog is all about saying goodbye. To letting it go. To moving on and coping with everything. All of this effects my art, my creative side, my painting. I haven't had any desire to paint, but that is probably an excuse. I have surrounded myself with NOTHINGNESS....guess it is protection. Things that once excited me now just barely catch my attention. I don't like being with people, I don't trust my feelings about who they are any longer, or what they mean to me. At the same time I feel like I am looking through different eyes. Where did I actually go? My father died, why do I feel so dead myself?

I don't understand my feelings. I don't understand much of anything right now. My head is filled with past things, creeping in and capturing all memories. All these memories are also going through changes, seeing them through these new "eyes" that I am wearing, some of them not doing well with the change. More anger. I have to hunt for past things that brought me happiness. I guess I haven't been happy in a long time. Still, I need to let it go. I need to find my identity. I need to reinvent myself and find out who I AM before it is too late for me. I need to find those things that made me happy. So the question for myself would be......Where to begin. I guess it would be with a long good bye to who I was and then get busy in finding out who I am. Will this help me be creative again.... I don't know.

Nothing about ART....just about the now....

THE LONG WAIT with DAD.......

My father has been terminally ill for a year, 3 months and 6 days....his being on hospice that long has really been informative and allowed me to explore my thoughts on good health and how quickly all that can change. The unbelievable suddenness of desperate situations, as well as learning about the difference of preventive health and palliative health....believe me there are some really big differences. These are things not asked to be learned but are forced on you and you better catch on quick cause you don't have much time to study before the next batch of notes and changes are pushed in front of you once again.

The journey that I am learning is one I call "waiting for him to die" and it has brought a lot of understanding about ourselves, well for me anyway, right up front and in your face. It has opened my eyes in certain ways to the dynamics of the family unit. The needs you will fill and the ones you need for yourself, they really start pouring out when you know there is a deadline looming. During this process, this long waiting, I have learned there is nothing I can do...and there is no road map to guide you on the turns, loops, and detours.....mainly you just have to wing it and hang on, and sometimes that is just so very hard. The hairpin curves that nearly took Dad now and then, made this something of a roller coaster ride too. Did I say "something"..let me change that, this has been one helluva roller coaster ride. I do not believe there is one out that that can jerk you around like this one does, monthly, weekly, daily, and yeah hourly and you still hang on for the duration.
The trip has accelerated and is very rapidly approaching the destination and instead of the fear I had at the beginning, I have now come to the point where it is truly ALL ABOUT HIM...and his needs. Making him pain free, no debates any longer about turning him into an addict. His need to be heard, seen, and held as his body deteriorates..no flinching allowed..the changes in his physical body sometimes makes you wonder who is that person, but quick; get over the discomfort of the loss of hair, the lack of muscle tone, the personal hygiene and modesty going by the way side....all the things that make being with a person so easy and now despite the lack there of, you continue to ride, simply for the JOY of being included.

These last days, I find it funny how the small memories stick out and you remember moments and things they might like and the joy on their face when you "did good" and got it right. The joking and the laughter and the memories of things past, who would have thought in a hospital room with a dying person there could be such comfort and easy laughter. The small changes to the sterile room that I could make so it was more cozy and a bit more appealing, adding small details that add meaning to them; but, might be missed by all the others who come to visit. Just letting them know they were an important aspect of your life, not just as a parent but as the person they have shown to you as to who they really are and their strength they show and share in their last hours.

The immediacy of death lingering and hovering all around is so confusing, but it reminds me that there is something of a saying out there in cyber world...not real sure the whole idea or how it goes...but it rings in my ears ..MAN WHAT A RIDE...and yeah Daddy...you sure did give us an exciting one, always and forever.

Love You Always......................................................................

So let's call it Grief

My last entry here was very "dark" and even though this was the holiday season, there was so much pressing on me; that yes, I admit I was really in the pits of despair. It doesn't always hang on this long or go that deep but there are those days and that was one of them. I know that what I wrote was upsetting to those who read, so to help them I think I will just say "let's call it grief".....I have to face the fact that I am in a very long grieving process with my father's ill health. I can not deny it nor stop thinking about it, I am grieving.

I just read RG's newsletter and it seems many feel the same way about grief and loss of someone special and how it effects their artistic creations. I wrote back to RG and tried to express my own experiences. I am afraid that my response will come across as being "dark" and maybe this time he will not accept it nor publish it, makes me wonder why I wrote it and sent it. I talked about other "dark" times in my life in that response and how some people were able to find a way for me to release it and get back to living. I am or seem to be very focused on doom and gloom once again and I have people who work hard at making me smile, I want them to know I appreciate their efforts. I want them to know that I am not always deep in despair nor do I always show how sad I am feeling and for them I will always smile. Yet,I need them to know I still need to talk about this sadness so that I can let it go.

"Most people do not want to talk about the dark side of life and I realize that depression is hard for them to understand unless they too have had the occasion to fall into that trap themselves."
-PAKC

Maybe they have been there and know how to get out much faster than I.
I don't want to pull grief around me like a blanket but it seems that I have.
I don't know of any books or access areas to learn how you are suppose to feel while you wait for someone to die. We are all dying but when you know the imminence of it, you wonder how you are suppose to act. What you are suppose to say. What you should be doing or not doing. How to listen to them without shutting them off because it is too painful. No one teaches us how to allow them to die.....

So all of this swirls around to my other fear. I haven't really had the desire to create anything of substance lately. A few bits and pieces of this and that but no real body of works or any thing that challenges me. Is it the sadness I am feeling that keeps me from being involved artistically? or is this the excuse I use?

P.S. this is the anniversary of my nephew's death. the painting that is shown I painted for him 5 years ago when he died. It is titled "Sean's Song..the call of the bayou". My sister is dealing with more grief than I around this time of year, yet I have empathy for her and know that yes this too will pass and we will move on. We just need time.

Secret Place

good thing no one reads this any longer, I will call it my secret place again. It surprised me that someone would find this but then it never did bother me if someone read what I wrote or not, or even if they agreed or understood where I was going, I was..am arrogant like that.

I have often used this blog more as a sounding board for an emotional over the top artist then a place to read about art. I don't recall that I talked that much about art but more about people...maybe more about ME than anything else.
Yesterday I had a complete melt down.....I sat for hours trying to figure out
WHO ARE YOU......I call myself an artist but am I?

I closed the gallery down, it was an emotional ride, and yes I miss it. I haven't painted in over a year. I don't do much art for me but a lot of stuff, bitty stuff, for oh I don't know who or even why....and it isn't even good stuff.

I feel a lack of drive....and nearly a lack of emotion, until something or someone makes me crazy mad....and then all hell breaks loose for no reason. I do a lot of talking but I notice no one really listens, which makes me do even more talking. I am truly crazy like that...but today...today....I am tired.

I think I have been tired for a long time and just really got in touch with it today.

Vast Verizon

WINTER LAKE

Verizon is a term that is made by the combination of vertical and horizontal, I know it really isn’t, but it is what I think when I hear the word. In my new series I am trying to produce works that will simulate mood by the use of colors and then manipulate the planes of the canvas to create a feeling of distance, to produce Verizon’s of semi recognizable landscapes. Verizon’s, vista’s, landscape’s in abstract, using color contrast to produce a feeling or mood. Blue Sunsets which are the opposite of true sunsets but in using blue give the feeling of chasing of the light, a quiet respite of the sun going down. In the use of reds and oranges a brilliance and heat that gives one the idea of the last hot flashes of an autumn sun. Greens and Yellows for rain and wind will continue to build upon those ideas with flashes of complimentary colors and thick coatings of paint applied for texture and continuity. With so many colors to use and so many ideas to produce there is a vastness of creativity to motivate me. Northern Lights

OH BOY!!!!! I made it.

This past spring I signed on to participate in the ART HOUSE "The Canvas Project 2".
This project was 5 small canvases with 5 words were sent to each artist. The canvases were 3 x 3 I mean really small. Each artist was to take the words that were given to them and illustrate the word on the very small canvases. The words I received were Lady Bug, Roar, Environment, Imperative and one other, for the life of me I cannot remember the word; but I can visualize the painting.

Once all the canvases were sent back to the ART HOUSE CO-OP..they set up a display in the Atlanta Airport of everything that was submitted and then a selection group came through and selected a few of the canvases that would be used and reproduced into a small visual encyclopedia...

I made it with one of my canvases..Lady Bug.. if you can get a hold of the book it is on page 43. Yeah, this was fun. I would do it again any day.




right there on the lower left hand corner is my little Lady Bug......





ART HOUSE CO-OP has now moved to New York and one of my other projects with them will be a part of their permanent display and collection.

Another project

Lately I have been preoccupied with "slumping" wine bottles. I probably have all ready slumped 3 dozen. This is my daughter's project really but since I have the kilns it has been my part to "slump" them.
This is the end results.....

Cup-O-ART

I have been working on small items for gifts, Christmas,Birthday, anything even just I deserve something for myself day....
I came up with this idea of coffee cups..everyone drinks coffee don't they?
Anyway...the idea was to handpaint the cups with semi-replicas of artist work and call them CUP-O-ART.
These are the tags with text that go on each box and with each cup.
Hand Painted Cups
in the styles of various
contemporary artist.
Each cup is one of a
kind. Food safe and
hand washable.
by
PAKC
this cup is in the style
of

These are some of the ideas I went with....
Jackson Pollock is my favorite, Alfred Gockle, Joan Miro, Peter Max, Rothko, and the great wave by Katsushiki Hokusai.....
The greatest thing about doing these little items..is I am once again familiarizing myself with some of the great artist.

Comes and Goes.

I just realized that the gallery anniversary has come and gone. It now has been 14 years that I have been running the gallery. 14 years of giving artists the opportunity to get their work out there. There has been a lot of ups and downs and a couple of times I cried Uncle, but then I got back up and I reinvented the gallery all over again. Over all, like the anniversary day....each day just comes and goes.

I do not wish to jinx myself but things are smoother and easier with the gallery and right now it nearly runs itself. I credit this with the great artists that are involved with the gallery, they are sincere and very reliable. I find the gallery is a pleasant way to spend the day and a great way to sit around and talk about art.

I think back over the years and realize there have been many, many artists who have gone through here. Some have moved on to really promoting themselves and really living by their art and others didn't quite make it, they haven't stopped painting but they also didn't learn anything about the business of art while in the gallery. Either way, I wish them all well. Living the life of an artist is difficult enough, we all need encouragement and support in all our endeavors. We also need to stay connected to the art community where we live and participate in their activities too.

I would never have thought I would still be doing this after this length of time. I was always under the impression I did not have "stick too it'ness", but then I just had a 40th wedding anniversary so maybe I do. I guess I have surprised myself on both accounts.

Journey's End

It is finished.
With the help of a friend I was able to stayed focused. This one was hard for some reason but it help to have someone ask about the painting and keep me going to the end.
I liked having a male perspective and found it so very interesting how we could view the same painting with different outcomes.
But it is finished....I welcome any comments even those who see something that I missed and might need to be adjusted. It is still here..it has not been varnished so in a resting stage to be framed.

Why?

I have spent several more days working on blocking in the figures. WHY?
I should have left it alone.
The strength and power in the last version versus the after selection, makes me wonder WHY?
I sometimes think I have this "mind's eye" view that I cannot see past all the faults.
I use to take the work and put it in front of a mirror so that I could see the work in reverse and take what my mind thought it saw out of the equation, I didn't. WHY?

This is the third version of blocking in and I find it funny that I am almost back exactly were I was when I started.

OK, to keep asking this particular question will not get me anywhere.
I need to move on and finish this piece.
Add more drama, more power, more passion.....then it will be finished and I will not care WHY?

Jumping over the Hurdles.

Got to a point where I liked the abstracted background and figured it was time to tackle blocking in the figures. It is going slowly and I keep playing around with the positions.

The clients liked this particular image after sending them about 10 to select from. I made it clear that as I worked the actual image would probably have changes.
I guess my biggest fear is that I am not getting the passion from my original 4 pieces and that has now become my hurdle to jump. Here is the preliminary block in...I expect it will have multitude of changes. Hope it doesn't lose the grace or the passion that I am going for.....

Background Noise...

RealLife things have kept me from posting but not totally from working on the commission piece. The clients have decided on the colors as well as the image that they would like to include.

I am working on the back ground and despite a few problems...such as the canvas not tightening up, have been at least getting somewhere with the layers and colors.



you can probably see where the canvas kept hitting the support board, because the canvas was sagging, and that stopped the paint from flowing the length of the board. I restretched the canvas and hopefully will be able to correct that problem.



I worked on this a little more adding color and pattern to the area that broke the painting into top and bottom. I believe the pattern is now a little more cohesive.


I will put a wash over the final layer to reduce some of the patterns and next I will begin to add the figures that were selected..."Tango of Love".

Adding to my series.

I have this series of paintings that I did a little while back, one of the finished pieces in the series is shown here.
The title of the series was Dance of Love and this group of paintings was mixed among another series of dance paintings I did for a solo show at the Crescent Club Gallery. Recently this series was found once again on my internet web site and I have been commissioned to paint a new piece.

I have never met the couple who are purchasing the work and I am working with them on selections of color by email and by snail mail. I sent them cards with color swatches to select the dominate color for me to use on this work. It has been fun to figure out ways to include them in the previewing of the work without the hassle of them traveling here or me there.

This particular series was predominately an abstract background and then oil pastel figures drawn over the acrylics. I used my "Four Sides" of a painting type abstract work in this background and that involves dripping, splashing, layer upon layer of paint to get strong colors and a bit of depth without building up a heavy layer of paint. I enjoyed that series and am now enjoying working on it again.
Along with the color cards, I have produced several images that I will be sending to the buyers to view and allow them to select the one they would like for their original painting. The color they wish for the back ground is once again a red, I hope the new figures are as powerful as the first ones.

I posted a few of the new images here. These are rough works with lots of adjustments but hope you enjoy the process that they will be going through as I complete the painting. I have a dozen more images in the studio but I thought I would rather not overwhelm the clients or any readers here, so I picked out some of the images I felt were the strongest. Leave me a comment if you like, I always enjoy hearing other perspectives.




.

For just a moment.....

I have been so engrossed in my new commission piece that a lot of things have been left undone around here. One such item has been my email. When suddenly, you are called to task and need to take a preview of your to do "lists". This happened when I received a call this morning from a very personable young man who was interested in whether I had read his recent mail to me. I was honest and said NO....so he preceded to give me the information over the phone line.

I was pleased to hear that it was regarding the possibility of my taking advertisement in a magazine titled ARTSMEMPHIS.

I was thrilled to listen and even over joyed in the idea that I might be able to be a participate in a collaboration by art groups here in Memphis. I hope you understand the picture I am painting here, since the painting on my easel was glaring me in the face and reminding me that there was a deadline looming up.

Anyway, this delightful young man and I were inadvertently disconnected at the most vital part of our conversation...the bottom line. LOL

Not to be unrequited in this obvious opportunity I tracked the caller down and continued our conversation. He was very apologetic for the "dropped call" and we continued on with the information I was seeking. This young individual was less enthusiastic in my following up on what I perceived as my much needed information. I got the feeling that he felt like I was wasting his time, not that my time was of any consequence, but so be it. I wanted the information and I preceded to ask my necessary questions to get there.

Finally I let the young ardent marketing individual off the hook and told him...thanks for the MOMENT that you allowed me in the idea that I could be financial stable enough to afford a place in your 3 issues per year at the price of $5k.
LOL


So FOR JUST A MOMENT............

Finally

I am finally working again.
The commission piece is exactly what I need to be doing.
I have sent off color cards to the buyers and getting their input to the colors for the background abstract portion and now I am rendering sketches for the poses.

If you are not up to date on the commission....it is a new section to my DANCE OF LOVE series. These will be all red and earth toned colors with the same passionate poses of the figures.(note painting in earlier post from first series)

I have two new sketches and will probably do at least 3 to 4 new pieces to this series.

The first sketch is somewhat tamer than the first four, but as I go along they are acquiring the same sort of intensity of the first group. I appreciate the challenge in going back to a former series and adding to it and keeping the same degree of feeling I first captured. Well, I hope I am capturing the same degree of feeling. We will see.

Will post the sketches soon.

Time Flies.

Ok so I didn't make it back as promised. Is there a method or a system to being organized or are you born with that gene?

I am so slow....but I mean well

LOL...yes I am slow in posting on this thread and I need to be here at least once a week. Who knows maybe I will actually keep that commitment.

I do have good news......
I was just picked up by a gallery in Mississippi.
So even though I will be busier than ever, I need to stick to my commitments that I previously started and try to get back here and show what I am up to next.

Jewelry.....the rings have sold very well.
I took pictures with intent to post but all have sold, so now I need to craft new ones.

Clayworks. I have added a new item to my clayworks...it is called "Earth Tones"...will get new pictures up of those items as soon as I can.

I got a long distant commission on one of my favorite series. Dance of Love I will be working on that the next couple of weeks....
posting pictures of that series here.

Recently I was asked by the ORPHEUM to submit items with 25% commission going to them for my work that they sell.

I got notice today for a call to artists to submit work once again to the invitational that I entered last January, I am excited I sold 3 pieces at that show and I look forward to getting some new work in for that show.

I am still entering the various events that are hosted by the ARTHOUSE in Atlanta.
I have my five little canvases finished and will be sending them off this next week.
That show will be touring the United States like the Scrapbook #2 did in April.

So that is it for now...thanks for reading.