Here I am

Here I am
Well, here I am once again. Not a good feeling to see that I keep attempting to change....LOL
I still don't post much here but think it is partly because I couldn't figure out how.

I reread my other posts and see that I started two and never actually posted anything other than a title. Figures, I am not really good about following up on things I have started. I keep trying...but well......like they say...can't teach and old dog a new trick and right now I really feel old.

I reread the one about my nephew's death and realize how sad I was after that.It was nearly a full year before I really painted freely again. A very good friend who IM'd me at night would try to convince me to go at it again. He did everything he could think of to get me going. It meant alot to me that anyone would really care enough about my work...or my feelings to try to help me get through my depression. I am usually the strong one around here and lock up my feelings and just plug along. This time I was lost and couldn't get out of the mire and do not think I would have pulled out except for his constant pushing.

The gallery where I show....put me in two shows to get me motivated. I painted for the shows, then was back at just staring at things. They were worried that I might not paint any more. They tried hard to give me things to look forward too. Mimi was concerned and kept pushing too. I am sorry Mimi has left that gallery.

I realize now that I never really look at things in a positive light, I always wait for the other shoe to drop. I usually look at criticism or the negativity and only accept the good at a glance and keep on moving. Maybe I only glance so that I am not a standing target. I didn't appreciate what the gallery and my friend tried to do for me. I was too involved with being sad. I am glad I am over that and wonder if I should tell them thanks or just let it lie.Once again it is a glancing thought and I move on......

Things have really been interesting for me since the first of this year.but I always start off that way and probably at best...things are only normal and I wish them to be interesting. I have had several shows and have made some strides in advancing my art and getting it out there. But I seem to be taking one step back for each step forward. I can't seem to stop sabotaging myself. Wonder why? Is it my inherant ability to only look at the negative?

I once put in a artist statement that I wonder what type of mark I will leave here on earth. I think I know---- CHAOS

I just recently received a notice from friends in a chat room that I supposedly am part of a grass roots movement in 20th century art titled SOUTHERN EXPRESSIONS.....you know, even I have to say that is pretty dog gone amazing.

I was given the opportunity to have this link posted within a group of my peers and friends. It too was guite amazing to receive the cudo's from so many. I don't know how to take compliments, I become uneasy and wish the attention can be directed somewhere else.

Then of course the negativity set in, the attention made me more aware of all the possibilities of being judged, not only for my art but for who I am. See, here I go again...not reveling in the congratualtions but looking for the other shoe to drop once again.

You see I didn't feel I deserved this remarkable achievement. I didn't even know there was a movement. I just painted what I wanted to paint and often found that what I was doing wasn't actually fitting the art scene where I lived. I am usually outside the norm. I don't listen to the same drummer. I don't paint florals or landscapes. I sometimes found my work hung on a back wall when I exhibited with groups because my work did not "flow with the show". I was just grateful that it got hung.

So now here I am with this achievement and wonder how it happened.

Some have told me to quit looking and just be proud.I am proud, but what they don't know is it doesn't have anything to do with the achievement, but everything to do with their caring about me.