It's late

It's late....or maybe I should say it is early. The wee hours of the morning like 2 am, once again I cannot sleep. I stroll around cyber space looking for motivation, inspiration, someone awake to distract me. Nobody home.....LOL....I did poke someone once on IM when I had a truly terrible night.... awakened them with that poke and got such a grumpy response I won't be doing that again. I have visited my old haunts trying to drum up something, anything, anyone. I don't know why I can't sleep tonight, some nights it is dreams that awaken me, tonight it is the nothingness. I have looked at art books, I have asked friends to go gallery hopping, I have cleaned up my brushes, I read R Genn. Painter's Keys, anything to help me find motivation. That last one, well it put me back in a funk, the letter I read was about how father's inspire their daughters....not a good moment for me on that one.
So anyway, just to get through the darkness I came here to let it go.....maybe one day I will wake up and be ready to start a project, a series, a sculpture.....anything. Tonight I just stare into the glow of a computer screen, maybe I am hoping for a cyber angel to appear and give me directions. Now that would be funny......NOT. Maybe I am comfortable in the stillness and just not aware................................

The long good bye......

It's over...I am drained and I am tired. I am also surprised by how many memories flood my brain at such unique moments and ones that are always catching me off guard. I think I am almost over being angry. That too is a story. But let it be known that my identity, from the things that I thought I knew, has been completely torn asunder. What I thought about what shaped me, in the past just might have been illusion. My make believe..My fantasy world..but, again that is another story.

I guess this blog is all about saying goodbye. To letting it go. To moving on and coping with everything. All of this effects my art, my creative side, my painting. I haven't had any desire to paint, but that is probably an excuse. I have surrounded myself with NOTHINGNESS....guess it is protection. Things that once excited me now just barely catch my attention. I don't like being with people, I don't trust my feelings about who they are any longer, or what they mean to me. At the same time I feel like I am looking through different eyes. Where did I actually go? My father died, why do I feel so dead myself?

I don't understand my feelings. I don't understand much of anything right now. My head is filled with past things, creeping in and capturing all memories. All these memories are also going through changes, seeing them through these new "eyes" that I am wearing, some of them not doing well with the change. More anger. I have to hunt for past things that brought me happiness. I guess I haven't been happy in a long time. Still, I need to let it go. I need to find my identity. I need to reinvent myself and find out who I AM before it is too late for me. I need to find those things that made me happy. So the question for myself would be......Where to begin. I guess it would be with a long good bye to who I was and then get busy in finding out who I am. Will this help me be creative again.... I don't know.