Giving Up.

esoteric: I wonder what makes people give up their dreams. I think I know, but just didn't listen.

I know that recently I was in a deep discussion with several on line friends about discouraging or encouraging artist to continue in their attempts to paint or be creative by what is said in a critique of their work. Several comments were made about people who viewed artists work and the only reply would be NICE...or GREAT START....and how these simple comments were so discouraging.

Others asked me what do you say when you are asked to critique someones work....I thought about it and immediately said "I try to find something in the work that I like and compliment them on that point." I told the group I did not like to discourage anyone in their attempt to paint. That each person has their own special story to tell whether it is with pen, pencil or brushes. That what they are expressing is as valuable to the world as any professional artist work can be. What I viewed to be good or bad was simply just one persons opinion.

Some said wouldn't it be better to discourage them early on, and suggest they find another creative outlet, or to take up some type of sport, or just put the brush down. The hairs on the nape of my neck bristled at those comments and I then asked more questions about their views on art in today's world. Why would they want to discourage someone from expressing themselves.

Once the discussion ended and we all moved on to our usual pleasantries...I realized I was still unsettled by the comments of discouraging artists.

Today I finally figured out why.....if I had listened to all the people who wanted to discourage me, I would be nothing more than a housewife, and I knew I was meant to be more.

I thought back through the years and realized at a very early age I was told "don't draw that" "why did you do that color" and my favorite in the third grade...."We will not hang your picture young lady for parents night....skies cannot be painted gold." Even when I tried to explain gold was my mother's favorite color...and not to my defense...Mother told me.."you should have just painted it blue like everyone else..why do you have to be so difficult"

As I grew and continued to paint gold skies...my next encounter was with high school art. My teacher told me "You are a jack of all trades and master of none...you will not be anything in the art world." OK..just please give me a grade I can live with and let me graduate.

In college I did not excel at my art nor did the college professors encourage me though I did watch and listen to the ones they did encourage. I wondered what is the difference? Why do I feel so alone? What is wrong with my work?

I finally switched over to welding and sculpture because I did find one teacher who thought I had some great thoughts and of course as a young person I would want to be in the field with someone who was encouraging them. Only later did I find out that if he couldn't get more students to take his class he was going to lose his tenure.

As an adult I continued on my quest to find a way to express myself and moved into painting. I took workshops and joined a painting group with a leader. The leader would ridicule me in front of the class for various things that I wasn't even doing. I finally realized I didn't need that in my life and went to speak to her quietly and tell her I wasn't going to continue. In a loud voice she told me IF YOU QUIT THIS GROUP YOU WILL NOT AMOUNT TO MUCH!!!!! YOU NEED ME......I needed her like I need hot water poured over me just for fun.

Okay, so this sounds rather silly.
But the point being...and there is a point in my ramblings.
If I had listen to these people and my peers as I worked on my paintings and art work.
I should have given up.
I should have realized a long time ago that I was suppose to find another creative outlet.
I didn't.
I kept my dream.
I worked my work and despite everything that was said...here I am and I am okay.

So to those out there who face multitude of odds or discouragement...
I say this DON'T GIVE UP.

P.S. it still hurts to hear the negative comments, but you will build your own defenses to get you through.

In the groove.

I have been painting for a new show which is in October.
It was requested of me to present new work in the Red Hat Genre.
I haven't done the Red Hat ladies in ages.
I prefer more color now and like my Sassy women better.
Ladies with class or attitudes are who I consider Sassy.

This time I started with the Sassy ladies first to get myself motivated.
Then moved into the other series. Though I am not as happy as I wish to be with the painting...it brought me joy painting it and thinking about the individuals that I thought of as I struck poses for each. It got me going in other words.

Oh Man, I struggled when I moved on to the Red Hat ladies.
I liked the poses and I did capture the sheerness of the clothing once again, but the faces..
YUCK and the hair...
the hair looked like spaghetti instead of tresses and the faces looked like gnomes instead of ladies. Then there is the hat...that too...someone thought one of them was an apple. Oh my...not what I expected, so more work to save those works.
I posted the works anyway, mainly because when I post them I can see them outside of my mind's eye. That is when I confirmed how much more work they needed.

When I talk about the "mind's eye", I assume that everyone knows that it is the eye that you think you are painting with.
The inner eye that guides the hand.
But the trouble with that "eye" is you don't always see what you are actually painting, but what you think you are painting.
So posting the work online as a WIP helps to keep me honest.
But honestly, I see that what I posted recently aren't either/or.
Meaning...they aren't what my mind sees nor are they paintings that I wish to see.

I understand that painting good works is directly attributed to the amount of time I spend painting everyday. The less I paint the harder it is for the paintings to flow. It becomes a struggle to get back into the groove. The"groove" appears, when the brush, the paint, the canvas become one. Where it is easy and you just keep moving forward painting, after painting, after painting.

Well , at last I got there, I think.
The last painting I posted is there.....in the groove.
It was the easiest of the bunch and the most enjoyable.
It took the shortest amount of time and yet seems to have the most impact.
I look forward to the next one, instead of moving on just to get away from one that isn't flowing. When you are in the groove painting is enjoyable and exciting and less like work. LOL


Unfortunately, I have to quit painting for a couple of days...and that makes me uneasy, since I just found the groove again.
Company coming and I need to tend to household things.
Wish I had a maid......lol
I am thinking I might just sneak up the stairs to the studio after the company goes to bed.
I tend to get my best thoughts at night anyway, so this should be easy and not even noticed by the company.

I certainly do not wish to spend another two or three paintings trying to find the groove again.

OMG!!!!!!

Oh my gosh.......
I have missed placed my art book.
My right arm.
My life line........

I have been sketching my new series in this little sketch book and have carried it every where for the last 6 months.
I jot down notes, plans, pull out photo's, and even do a little sketching.
I live, breathe and eat with this little book at my elbow.
Heaven forbid if I get hit with inspiration and cannot write it down.

But now...

When I need it the most. It can not be found anywhere.
I am in a panic.
I am lost.
Where and what do I do now.

Do I start over?
Do I begin again?

Oh heavens I hope not.
Time will not allow that, deadlines need to be met.
It must be around somewhere.
Under the stairs.
Under the couch.
Maybe in the bed.
In the car.
Oh where could I have put it.
I am sure I placed it somewhere that was meant to keep it safe.
I am thinking about removing the carpeting to see if it slid under that somehow. LOL

So are you as attached to your gadgets and paraphernalia as I am?
Are you as dependent upon your little cheat sheets?

It took me two days to find my book.
I cannot believe that it was right in front of me the whole time.
I think the panic and fear I felt over losing all that work; kept me in such a state, where I couldn't see it clearly on the table in the studio, with a couple of magazines that were placed there to continue to inspire me.

Maybe it is time to clean the studio?

Champions

Do you ever look for a champion?

I find that sometimes I feel like it is me against the world.
I look for someone to side with me...even when I may be wrong.
I look for someone who will gently put their hand on my shoulder and take part of the burden away....so that I can think clearly.

It would be hard for anyone to measure up to my expectations, and I am aware of that, but it does come in the strangest of ways. Then tension and over extension of passions draw back and space is provided to think.

My champions are few and far between. I think it is because I exude this strong exterior that really is my own protective armour, so the champions I might expect to stand with me usually
can be found standing back and just watching.

Recently because of strange Internet miscommunication of the typed word, things can take on a very different connotation then intended. Once this takes hold....it is like a rolling stone gaining momentum down the hill. Nothing brakes or halts such an onslaught and you wonder WHAT HAPPENED.

As you defend yourself it seems to take on a mind of it's own and more and more people become involved taking sides, choosing opponents, adding fuel to the fire.

When the dust settles you wonder if anything will be the same again. I know when there are those who take a stand to support you and understand you, and even take the time in their supportive way to help you get over the hurt and pain of the conflict. Then yes, you can go back and start again with knowledge that someone there really does understand.

For this moment, I want to make sure that I take time to say thank you SIR KNIGHT......you are my champion and you are a gentle soul.

Here I am

Here I am
Well, here I am once again. Not a good feeling to see that I keep attempting to change....LOL
I still don't post much here but think it is partly because I couldn't figure out how.

I reread my other posts and see that I started two and never actually posted anything other than a title. Figures, I am not really good about following up on things I have started. I keep trying...but well......like they say...can't teach and old dog a new trick and right now I really feel old.

I reread the one about my nephew's death and realize how sad I was after that.It was nearly a full year before I really painted freely again. A very good friend who IM'd me at night would try to convince me to go at it again. He did everything he could think of to get me going. It meant alot to me that anyone would really care enough about my work...or my feelings to try to help me get through my depression. I am usually the strong one around here and lock up my feelings and just plug along. This time I was lost and couldn't get out of the mire and do not think I would have pulled out except for his constant pushing.

The gallery where I show....put me in two shows to get me motivated. I painted for the shows, then was back at just staring at things. They were worried that I might not paint any more. They tried hard to give me things to look forward too. Mimi was concerned and kept pushing too. I am sorry Mimi has left that gallery.

I realize now that I never really look at things in a positive light, I always wait for the other shoe to drop. I usually look at criticism or the negativity and only accept the good at a glance and keep on moving. Maybe I only glance so that I am not a standing target. I didn't appreciate what the gallery and my friend tried to do for me. I was too involved with being sad. I am glad I am over that and wonder if I should tell them thanks or just let it lie.Once again it is a glancing thought and I move on......

Things have really been interesting for me since the first of this year.but I always start off that way and probably at best...things are only normal and I wish them to be interesting. I have had several shows and have made some strides in advancing my art and getting it out there. But I seem to be taking one step back for each step forward. I can't seem to stop sabotaging myself. Wonder why? Is it my inherant ability to only look at the negative?

I once put in a artist statement that I wonder what type of mark I will leave here on earth. I think I know---- CHAOS

I just recently received a notice from friends in a chat room that I supposedly am part of a grass roots movement in 20th century art titled SOUTHERN EXPRESSIONS.....you know, even I have to say that is pretty dog gone amazing.

I was given the opportunity to have this link posted within a group of my peers and friends. It too was guite amazing to receive the cudo's from so many. I don't know how to take compliments, I become uneasy and wish the attention can be directed somewhere else.

Then of course the negativity set in, the attention made me more aware of all the possibilities of being judged, not only for my art but for who I am. See, here I go again...not reveling in the congratualtions but looking for the other shoe to drop once again.

You see I didn't feel I deserved this remarkable achievement. I didn't even know there was a movement. I just painted what I wanted to paint and often found that what I was doing wasn't actually fitting the art scene where I lived. I am usually outside the norm. I don't listen to the same drummer. I don't paint florals or landscapes. I sometimes found my work hung on a back wall when I exhibited with groups because my work did not "flow with the show". I was just grateful that it got hung.

So now here I am with this achievement and wonder how it happened.

Some have told me to quit looking and just be proud.I am proud, but what they don't know is it doesn't have anything to do with the achievement, but everything to do with their caring about me.