Nothing about ART....just about the now....

THE LONG WAIT with DAD.......

My father has been terminally ill for a year, 3 months and 6 days....his being on hospice that long has really been informative and allowed me to explore my thoughts on good health and how quickly all that can change. The unbelievable suddenness of desperate situations, as well as learning about the difference of preventive health and palliative health....believe me there are some really big differences. These are things not asked to be learned but are forced on you and you better catch on quick cause you don't have much time to study before the next batch of notes and changes are pushed in front of you once again.

The journey that I am learning is one I call "waiting for him to die" and it has brought a lot of understanding about ourselves, well for me anyway, right up front and in your face. It has opened my eyes in certain ways to the dynamics of the family unit. The needs you will fill and the ones you need for yourself, they really start pouring out when you know there is a deadline looming. During this process, this long waiting, I have learned there is nothing I can do...and there is no road map to guide you on the turns, loops, and detours.....mainly you just have to wing it and hang on, and sometimes that is just so very hard. The hairpin curves that nearly took Dad now and then, made this something of a roller coaster ride too. Did I say "something"..let me change that, this has been one helluva roller coaster ride. I do not believe there is one out that that can jerk you around like this one does, monthly, weekly, daily, and yeah hourly and you still hang on for the duration.
The trip has accelerated and is very rapidly approaching the destination and instead of the fear I had at the beginning, I have now come to the point where it is truly ALL ABOUT HIM...and his needs. Making him pain free, no debates any longer about turning him into an addict. His need to be heard, seen, and held as his body deteriorates..no flinching allowed..the changes in his physical body sometimes makes you wonder who is that person, but quick; get over the discomfort of the loss of hair, the lack of muscle tone, the personal hygiene and modesty going by the way side....all the things that make being with a person so easy and now despite the lack there of, you continue to ride, simply for the JOY of being included.

These last days, I find it funny how the small memories stick out and you remember moments and things they might like and the joy on their face when you "did good" and got it right. The joking and the laughter and the memories of things past, who would have thought in a hospital room with a dying person there could be such comfort and easy laughter. The small changes to the sterile room that I could make so it was more cozy and a bit more appealing, adding small details that add meaning to them; but, might be missed by all the others who come to visit. Just letting them know they were an important aspect of your life, not just as a parent but as the person they have shown to you as to who they really are and their strength they show and share in their last hours.

The immediacy of death lingering and hovering all around is so confusing, but it reminds me that there is something of a saying out there in cyber world...not real sure the whole idea or how it goes...but it rings in my ears ..MAN WHAT A RIDE...and yeah Daddy...you sure did give us an exciting one, always and forever.

Love You Always......................................................................

So let's call it Grief

My last entry here was very "dark" and even though this was the holiday season, there was so much pressing on me; that yes, I admit I was really in the pits of despair. It doesn't always hang on this long or go that deep but there are those days and that was one of them. I know that what I wrote was upsetting to those who read, so to help them I think I will just say "let's call it grief".....I have to face the fact that I am in a very long grieving process with my father's ill health. I can not deny it nor stop thinking about it, I am grieving.

I just read RG's newsletter and it seems many feel the same way about grief and loss of someone special and how it effects their artistic creations. I wrote back to RG and tried to express my own experiences. I am afraid that my response will come across as being "dark" and maybe this time he will not accept it nor publish it, makes me wonder why I wrote it and sent it. I talked about other "dark" times in my life in that response and how some people were able to find a way for me to release it and get back to living. I am or seem to be very focused on doom and gloom once again and I have people who work hard at making me smile, I want them to know I appreciate their efforts. I want them to know that I am not always deep in despair nor do I always show how sad I am feeling and for them I will always smile. Yet,I need them to know I still need to talk about this sadness so that I can let it go.

"Most people do not want to talk about the dark side of life and I realize that depression is hard for them to understand unless they too have had the occasion to fall into that trap themselves."
-PAKC

Maybe they have been there and know how to get out much faster than I.
I don't want to pull grief around me like a blanket but it seems that I have.
I don't know of any books or access areas to learn how you are suppose to feel while you wait for someone to die. We are all dying but when you know the imminence of it, you wonder how you are suppose to act. What you are suppose to say. What you should be doing or not doing. How to listen to them without shutting them off because it is too painful. No one teaches us how to allow them to die.....

So all of this swirls around to my other fear. I haven't really had the desire to create anything of substance lately. A few bits and pieces of this and that but no real body of works or any thing that challenges me. Is it the sadness I am feeling that keeps me from being involved artistically? or is this the excuse I use?

P.S. this is the anniversary of my nephew's death. the painting that is shown I painted for him 5 years ago when he died. It is titled "Sean's Song..the call of the bayou". My sister is dealing with more grief than I around this time of year, yet I have empathy for her and know that yes this too will pass and we will move on. We just need time.