the kids together

This painting is still in progress...it is a 2 year old painting that I am reworking.

This painting has gone through several transformations. It was painted for a show in 2005 and since it was of my grandsons...it came home and went up on my family room wall.
In the time that has past since this painting was completed...the arm over the shoulder was reduced to just a hand on the shoulder.
Then later on a new baby was born into this family a little girl, Katelyn.
As she grew....she was kept by her Nane' and Da while the rest of the family were at work or in school
This little princess would stand on the couch and look at this painting and as she she got older would name her brothersand point and tap them.
Later as she grew and could convey more information about her wants and needs, Katelyn would often ask to be picked up..."p"ease me in painting. "

This being funny we each would take turns holding her up next to the painting over the sofa and she would giggle about being in the painting with her brothers.

I finally got the hint...and removed the painting from the wall and took it to the studio upstairs.
Katelyn came in the day after I had removed the painting and first thing she noticed was the painting was not on the wall.

Where is it Nane' she demanded in her wee voice....lol
I said "upstairs...would you like to see it. "
"Yes" she replied.

And we went upstairs together.
At the doorway to the studio...Katelyn stopped and squealed at the top of her lungs....dancing in place she clapped and clapped and giggled.
"IT'S ME"
"IT"S ME Nane' in the painting with Robby and Conner...."

No greater joy for my painting attempts has ever been received as in this painting that meant so much to one so small.

is this for real?

troubled waters

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Although restrictions may be placed upon you now, there is more going on than meets the eye. A difficult situation can suddenly transform into a very positive experience, but this will only happen if you are able to relinquish your control. Instead of worrying about the outcome, put your attention on the present moment. Paradoxically, things will improve when you move beyond judging what's happening as good or bad.


ok...so does everyone else's horoscope hit them head on to the moment?
this is my situation in a nutshell.....

Loss

So I lost my main computer during a storm last night.

My heart is heavy from the loss.

All my files that were on the desktop that I hadn't put into storage.
All the works in progress and the photos of my new work.
The digital photo's that I downloaded into folders with the intent to arrange and store for later references.

I feel as if my house has burned down and that nothing of my life is retrievable
I also feel that this is silly.....there are people out there that really have lost so much more than a computer main frame.

Then that very thought makes me feel more loss.
I am now left with the laptop.
There is no security for me in something that is portable.
That in itself means it has no permanence.

Creative Intelligence?

Esoterica: Creative intelligence also involves the simultaneous use of mind and spirit. Whether mind before spirit or spirit before mind, retrofitting and deconstructing spirit is the habit of our age. Perhaps the evolved CI guy is best at thinking it out first, then making the leap of faith, then covering tracks. "I throw a spear into the darkness. That is intuition. Then I must send an army into the darkness to find the spear. That is intellect."

This is a quote from the latest Robert Genn newsletter.

I realize there are two main kinds of artists. Those who think it's all
about technique, methodology and process, and those who think
all you have to do is "wing it." The latter, sort of like
skydivers without benefit of parachutes, are all over the place
these days. Attitudes of "anything goes," "anybody can do it,"
and "I can do what I want as long as it has 'heart'" prevail.
While I'm a first-line advocate for intuition, just to make
things difficult I have to tell you there's something else we
need to think about. It's called "Creative Intelligence."

CI do I have it?
From his discription of what it means and how it affects an artist I actually believe I do.

I jump off regularly and let fly but always with my parachute, because I expect to land if nothing else. I think it through, work it out, prepare, then jump.
This process Robert Genn titled CI I thought every artist possessed. I didn't think of myself as being any different from any other struggling artist.
Lately, I have been flying non stop, starting and stopping to reflect only when my parachute seemed to get tangled.
The entanglement, at least in my case; are the moments when the peer approval, admiration or whatever you personally wish to call it, gets bogged down. The group I like to attend and where I find my own awareness doesn't liked to be pushed out of the plane to jump. I seem to be a pusher. I wish to have everyone fly. I guess it is time to back off, reflect on my own self and let everyone else fly at their own pace. So in some cases the CI individual needs his/her own awareness to keep on flying, especially when the peers are not around to pack their parachute.

Deadlines

Sometimes you have to wonder what is going on... especially when everything goes wrong and as hard as you try....you miss a deadline.

Rules are rules and no exceptions are made, I understand this and know that if you don't make the deadline there is no one to fault except yourself.

I seem to feel the need to push the envelope and make deadlines at the 9th hour but sometimes, there are other circumstances that need to be figured in.

I could post my work with the others, several asked me too. I thought that there was some understanding that I might need an extra day because of travel time and the forced use of a library computer....LOL... but it just didn't happen, the understanding it seems LOL.

It's ok, but since there was an insistance on everyone not showing their work until the actual posting and I missed the posting date, I can only assume there is a rule that prohibits one from posting after the fact.

Again it's ok....it just means I can't post with the group, it doesn't mean I can't post the work.
So I did.

It was a bit of a stretch for me because it has been a very long time since I have done landscapes. But I was bored on this last trip and thought why not give it a try and see what you can do. I started the painting on Thursday evening. I didn't have much time to work on it since I really was suppose to be visiting family, but what the hey, if they were reading a book or watching the news, then I felt I had time to paint.....anyway, to make this short story long I finished it on Saturday but no computer to post....and all the places I had dashed off too for connections were closed on Sunday and then Monday I was traveling back home...10 hours straight driving in the rain, up hill both ways, with a headwind that pushed me back 1 mile for every 2 I was driving.......LOL...well, it felt like it.

So once I got home I made a mad dash up the stairs to my home computer....checking to see if there was time had they posted all ready, they had posted on Sunday I think.....so; oh well....that's the breaks.

I am thankful that I had an idea to paint.
It really doesn't matter if it made it into the posting, I painted and that should be enough.

I rushed this to make the deadline...lol...so will probably work the clouds a little more to make it gel.

at a crossroad

I don't know for sure if every artists comes to a place in the road where they stop look and wonder.
Which way do I travel now?

I recently got to that place myself.
I find what I am doing is not what I want to do.
I liked the work while I was creating it but once over and complete, I wondered why I am doing that.

So I am at a crossroads and I wonder which road to select and what direction I will go next.

Part of creating is the journey, so I hope this one is as interesting as the others.

I think I will go left this time.

Dishing it out can you take it?

When is it the time to tell it like it is and when do you keep it inside you and your mouth shut?

Critiques of artist's work giving or taking is such a fine line to walk.
Sometimes it is damn if you do and damned if you don't.
I have heard it all when people view my work, and a lot of it has not been to it's praise.
To keep from flipping out over any negativity, I try to take the artists work into account, weigh their remarks to me, then base my opinion of their remarks to what I think of their work. If their work is not something I admire or think challenging then I do not feel challenged.

I also think that sometimes depending on your relationship with another artist and what that relationship means, should also be taken into consideration to their comments. After all if they don't like you as a person...what could they possibly like in your work and vice versa, can they really be honest if they are thinking more on the relationship then on the work.
So dishing it out and taking it depends I guess, or at least for me, in how it was given and what can I learn from it.

Now to dishing it out.
There is a saying around here...
Don't ask Pam unless you are prepared to hear it all.
No, I am not always critical, but I don't mince words when there is something I think I see that doesn't work in a painting.
Nor do I mince words when I find something to praise.
When it is good I am one of the first to speak up and clap you on the back.
I try to give support and encouragement.
I think that a good fair critique of the work can be balanced, and the artist is opened to the thoughts of another; they can possibly find a new way to look at their work.

Because of my background a lot of people come to me and they know I really will be honest.
I know they don't like sweet remarks like..
NICE WORK,
GREAT START,
OOOOOHHHH!!!!!
and that is all that is said.
No grounds or support to what they say, just being non committal is what I call it.
But the artist who asked for a critique or what you think is usually looking or searching for something more the platitudes.

But, should it be told to them, if you think the remarks will make them feel badly about their work?
or should it be told when after all it is only your opinion?
or should you just give them what they expect, easy praise;
because you value their friendship and being honest could jeopardize the relationship?
Haven't resolved this as yet.
But the other thing I know about me is I don't know when to shut up.

Focus

It takes as much stress to be a success as it does to be a failure.
--Emilio James Trujillo


Focus..what is it?

I talk frequently about my need to focus.
Maybe it would help me to understand exactly what I mean when I say this.

Focus to look closely at.
Maybe.

Focus to keep a narrow view and avoid distractions
Closer

Focus to see the steps needed to get where I am going.
OK that's it.


I need to focus and quit looking around trying to see, say, and do too much.
I need to look at the steps I need to get where I am going.

LOL..just image if you were blind folded and trying to navigate steps or a building you have never been in before. You would go cautiously and tentatively making sure you don't hurt yourself as you navigate the unknown.

So why...when I am sighted....would I not take the same precautions and go cautiously and tentatively in unknown territory. Why would I want to run head long into a wall, or off the top step. Why don't I make plans and follow paths that have been made before. Maybe because it may seem to me to be too boring, or possibly I have this need to fly by the seat of my pants. I really don't have that answer and I do seem to do it regularly....so that is why I am always saying.

I need to focus.
Maybe it would be easier to say.
I need to slow down.

Too funny.

What is enough?

Undoubtedly, the catalyst behind many successes in the world is a need to prove something because one feels inadequate, but the best path, the path that satisfies the soul, is one of completeness at every step of the way. Taking this path makes living a joy, because it doesn't postpone that feeling of being enough. Being enough is not something we achieve. It's something we are. -David J Walker

Looking over my words and after reading the above quote, I realized that yes my path in this world has been lead by my own inadequate feelings. My personal impressions that I often was made to feel less then good enough.
Less than a painter and more of a hobbyist.
Less of a wife and more of a caretaker.
Less of a mother and more of a disciplinarian.
I never found along my path the joy of being.

Being satisfied.
Being enough.

I recognize that my focus is more on negativity and many friends have the courage to even suggest I focus on paranoia. I, myself, don't think it is that bad; but occasionally I notice my choices are closer to downers and my ability to listen or only hear negatives is rather unamusing.

So if I read the above quote again...I ask what is enough and how do you achieve it.

In painting it is easy. You come to a place where the canvas will not take any more paint. Your brain takes over and looks and says enough. You get tired of trying to improve or redo so you simply say enough. Again this connotation of enough seems to be negative. When or where is it that enough is just that enough?

Enough in who we are at the moment.
Enough as in satisfaction of things the way they are.
Enough just simply to be happy.

Most of us probably don't listen to the inner voice that says, "You're enough because you exist." We ignore it because being enough doesn't fit the image we have of ourselves. We have spent so much time thinking of ourselves as not being enough that enough-ness seems very far away.

So, to correct my own being and feelings, I probably need to correct my own faulty self-image. I think mainly because the natural tendency of my mind is to surround itself with whatever it has embodied. so if I embody fear and doubt, I will surround myself, to one degree or another, with people and circumstances that reflect fear and doubt. If, however, I embody belief and trust in myself, I will surround myself with people and circumstances that reflect belief and trust.

I have talked about moving on, moving away from people who thought little of me, but who I thought were so willing to use me. Now, I realize these very people where only the reflection of my own negativity and at least they recognized I could get things done, though I wasn't aware of that myself. I now realize that it was my own embodiment of inadequacies that made me want to be a people pleaser without pleasing myself. These people weren't making me feel inadequate--- I was doing it to myself.

I continue to reflect back on the many times I was not able to accept my own completeness, and I notice that after each step of achievement I did not spend the time looking positively at what I had done; but I hurriedly moved on to the next task, the next duty, the next job, the next moment of trying to be adequate, and I realize after each time when it should have been enough I actually was becoming more and more empty.

I do not want to travel this world any longer missing out the things that were good.
The things that should have made me happy.
The things that should have impressed even me in all my negativity.
I want to find that state of being, that existence of being enough.

I hope that I am learning.
That I am getting closer to what I seek.
Awareness is the key to change and
I think I am beginning to realize what enough is.

I exist therefore I am.
Yeah.........that is enough

To sell or not to sell.....that is the question

I sold a very large painting this past month....what a thrill.
I even met the purchaser it was nice. It was a very large abstracted landscape titled Peaceful Garden.

They bought this painting on the insistence of their interior decorator.
Well, it sold...even if it was because it helped mask the large brick wall.
Laughing as I go to the bank.
I have been told a lot of things about why my work sells...
I think the best one was "because it was yellow".

I sold another one this weekend. Well, rather the gallery sold it.
I am an Innocent by stander to the whole marketing process.
I just paint..take it in...let them hang...and then I wait.
I have my own gallery where I am more involved but I hate being on the analytical side of my brain...much prefer the creative side.

Anyway, the first painting that sold was one that was left over from the A2H show...it was nice to see this one go. I hated the idea of maybe having to take it down and find a place to store it. It was 6 ft by 8 ft....so selling it made things a little easier.

The second one that sold was the first to sell from the coffee series that I painted for a solo show back in Dec 2006. I love that series but worried since nothing had sold even from the show. I sold abstracts and clay art at that show..but none of the coffee series.

I wanted to tell a friend about it....because he said it was some of my best work. I had almost given up and thought about painting over them, but I always need to be patient. I appreciate his telling me to keep working, sometimes a friend can see things you can not.

Anyway...to sell or not to sell, that is the question.
Do we as artist paint to sell?
I paint for shows. The ultimate reason for having shows is the expectation to sell, so does that mean I am painting to sell?

Lament

Lament

I sit and wonder about the things that happen around me.
I don't always understand.
I cry
I feel badly.
Possibly because I am too sensitive
But maybe it is just time to move on.

I just don't belong there...and it can't be any more obvious then it is right now.

Giving Up.

esoteric: I wonder what makes people give up their dreams. I think I know, but just didn't listen.

I know that recently I was in a deep discussion with several on line friends about discouraging or encouraging artist to continue in their attempts to paint or be creative by what is said in a critique of their work. Several comments were made about people who viewed artists work and the only reply would be NICE...or GREAT START....and how these simple comments were so discouraging.

Others asked me what do you say when you are asked to critique someones work....I thought about it and immediately said "I try to find something in the work that I like and compliment them on that point." I told the group I did not like to discourage anyone in their attempt to paint. That each person has their own special story to tell whether it is with pen, pencil or brushes. That what they are expressing is as valuable to the world as any professional artist work can be. What I viewed to be good or bad was simply just one persons opinion.

Some said wouldn't it be better to discourage them early on, and suggest they find another creative outlet, or to take up some type of sport, or just put the brush down. The hairs on the nape of my neck bristled at those comments and I then asked more questions about their views on art in today's world. Why would they want to discourage someone from expressing themselves.

Once the discussion ended and we all moved on to our usual pleasantries...I realized I was still unsettled by the comments of discouraging artists.

Today I finally figured out why.....if I had listened to all the people who wanted to discourage me, I would be nothing more than a housewife, and I knew I was meant to be more.

I thought back through the years and realized at a very early age I was told "don't draw that" "why did you do that color" and my favorite in the third grade...."We will not hang your picture young lady for parents night....skies cannot be painted gold." Even when I tried to explain gold was my mother's favorite color...and not to my defense...Mother told me.."you should have just painted it blue like everyone else..why do you have to be so difficult"

As I grew and continued to paint gold skies...my next encounter was with high school art. My teacher told me "You are a jack of all trades and master of none...you will not be anything in the art world." OK..just please give me a grade I can live with and let me graduate.

In college I did not excel at my art nor did the college professors encourage me though I did watch and listen to the ones they did encourage. I wondered what is the difference? Why do I feel so alone? What is wrong with my work?

I finally switched over to welding and sculpture because I did find one teacher who thought I had some great thoughts and of course as a young person I would want to be in the field with someone who was encouraging them. Only later did I find out that if he couldn't get more students to take his class he was going to lose his tenure.

As an adult I continued on my quest to find a way to express myself and moved into painting. I took workshops and joined a painting group with a leader. The leader would ridicule me in front of the class for various things that I wasn't even doing. I finally realized I didn't need that in my life and went to speak to her quietly and tell her I wasn't going to continue. In a loud voice she told me IF YOU QUIT THIS GROUP YOU WILL NOT AMOUNT TO MUCH!!!!! YOU NEED ME......I needed her like I need hot water poured over me just for fun.

Okay, so this sounds rather silly.
But the point being...and there is a point in my ramblings.
If I had listen to these people and my peers as I worked on my paintings and art work.
I should have given up.
I should have realized a long time ago that I was suppose to find another creative outlet.
I didn't.
I kept my dream.
I worked my work and despite everything that was said...here I am and I am okay.

So to those out there who face multitude of odds or discouragement...
I say this DON'T GIVE UP.

P.S. it still hurts to hear the negative comments, but you will build your own defenses to get you through.

In the groove.

I have been painting for a new show which is in October.
It was requested of me to present new work in the Red Hat Genre.
I haven't done the Red Hat ladies in ages.
I prefer more color now and like my Sassy women better.
Ladies with class or attitudes are who I consider Sassy.

This time I started with the Sassy ladies first to get myself motivated.
Then moved into the other series. Though I am not as happy as I wish to be with the painting...it brought me joy painting it and thinking about the individuals that I thought of as I struck poses for each. It got me going in other words.

Oh Man, I struggled when I moved on to the Red Hat ladies.
I liked the poses and I did capture the sheerness of the clothing once again, but the faces..
YUCK and the hair...
the hair looked like spaghetti instead of tresses and the faces looked like gnomes instead of ladies. Then there is the hat...that too...someone thought one of them was an apple. Oh my...not what I expected, so more work to save those works.
I posted the works anyway, mainly because when I post them I can see them outside of my mind's eye. That is when I confirmed how much more work they needed.

When I talk about the "mind's eye", I assume that everyone knows that it is the eye that you think you are painting with.
The inner eye that guides the hand.
But the trouble with that "eye" is you don't always see what you are actually painting, but what you think you are painting.
So posting the work online as a WIP helps to keep me honest.
But honestly, I see that what I posted recently aren't either/or.
Meaning...they aren't what my mind sees nor are they paintings that I wish to see.

I understand that painting good works is directly attributed to the amount of time I spend painting everyday. The less I paint the harder it is for the paintings to flow. It becomes a struggle to get back into the groove. The"groove" appears, when the brush, the paint, the canvas become one. Where it is easy and you just keep moving forward painting, after painting, after painting.

Well , at last I got there, I think.
The last painting I posted is there.....in the groove.
It was the easiest of the bunch and the most enjoyable.
It took the shortest amount of time and yet seems to have the most impact.
I look forward to the next one, instead of moving on just to get away from one that isn't flowing. When you are in the groove painting is enjoyable and exciting and less like work. LOL


Unfortunately, I have to quit painting for a couple of days...and that makes me uneasy, since I just found the groove again.
Company coming and I need to tend to household things.
Wish I had a maid......lol
I am thinking I might just sneak up the stairs to the studio after the company goes to bed.
I tend to get my best thoughts at night anyway, so this should be easy and not even noticed by the company.

I certainly do not wish to spend another two or three paintings trying to find the groove again.

OMG!!!!!!

Oh my gosh.......
I have missed placed my art book.
My right arm.
My life line........

I have been sketching my new series in this little sketch book and have carried it every where for the last 6 months.
I jot down notes, plans, pull out photo's, and even do a little sketching.
I live, breathe and eat with this little book at my elbow.
Heaven forbid if I get hit with inspiration and cannot write it down.

But now...

When I need it the most. It can not be found anywhere.
I am in a panic.
I am lost.
Where and what do I do now.

Do I start over?
Do I begin again?

Oh heavens I hope not.
Time will not allow that, deadlines need to be met.
It must be around somewhere.
Under the stairs.
Under the couch.
Maybe in the bed.
In the car.
Oh where could I have put it.
I am sure I placed it somewhere that was meant to keep it safe.
I am thinking about removing the carpeting to see if it slid under that somehow. LOL

So are you as attached to your gadgets and paraphernalia as I am?
Are you as dependent upon your little cheat sheets?

It took me two days to find my book.
I cannot believe that it was right in front of me the whole time.
I think the panic and fear I felt over losing all that work; kept me in such a state, where I couldn't see it clearly on the table in the studio, with a couple of magazines that were placed there to continue to inspire me.

Maybe it is time to clean the studio?

Champions

Do you ever look for a champion?

I find that sometimes I feel like it is me against the world.
I look for someone to side with me...even when I may be wrong.
I look for someone who will gently put their hand on my shoulder and take part of the burden away....so that I can think clearly.

It would be hard for anyone to measure up to my expectations, and I am aware of that, but it does come in the strangest of ways. Then tension and over extension of passions draw back and space is provided to think.

My champions are few and far between. I think it is because I exude this strong exterior that really is my own protective armour, so the champions I might expect to stand with me usually
can be found standing back and just watching.

Recently because of strange Internet miscommunication of the typed word, things can take on a very different connotation then intended. Once this takes hold....it is like a rolling stone gaining momentum down the hill. Nothing brakes or halts such an onslaught and you wonder WHAT HAPPENED.

As you defend yourself it seems to take on a mind of it's own and more and more people become involved taking sides, choosing opponents, adding fuel to the fire.

When the dust settles you wonder if anything will be the same again. I know when there are those who take a stand to support you and understand you, and even take the time in their supportive way to help you get over the hurt and pain of the conflict. Then yes, you can go back and start again with knowledge that someone there really does understand.

For this moment, I want to make sure that I take time to say thank you SIR KNIGHT......you are my champion and you are a gentle soul.

Here I am

Here I am
Well, here I am once again. Not a good feeling to see that I keep attempting to change....LOL
I still don't post much here but think it is partly because I couldn't figure out how.

I reread my other posts and see that I started two and never actually posted anything other than a title. Figures, I am not really good about following up on things I have started. I keep trying...but well......like they say...can't teach and old dog a new trick and right now I really feel old.

I reread the one about my nephew's death and realize how sad I was after that.It was nearly a full year before I really painted freely again. A very good friend who IM'd me at night would try to convince me to go at it again. He did everything he could think of to get me going. It meant alot to me that anyone would really care enough about my work...or my feelings to try to help me get through my depression. I am usually the strong one around here and lock up my feelings and just plug along. This time I was lost and couldn't get out of the mire and do not think I would have pulled out except for his constant pushing.

The gallery where I show....put me in two shows to get me motivated. I painted for the shows, then was back at just staring at things. They were worried that I might not paint any more. They tried hard to give me things to look forward too. Mimi was concerned and kept pushing too. I am sorry Mimi has left that gallery.

I realize now that I never really look at things in a positive light, I always wait for the other shoe to drop. I usually look at criticism or the negativity and only accept the good at a glance and keep on moving. Maybe I only glance so that I am not a standing target. I didn't appreciate what the gallery and my friend tried to do for me. I was too involved with being sad. I am glad I am over that and wonder if I should tell them thanks or just let it lie.Once again it is a glancing thought and I move on......

Things have really been interesting for me since the first of this year.but I always start off that way and probably at best...things are only normal and I wish them to be interesting. I have had several shows and have made some strides in advancing my art and getting it out there. But I seem to be taking one step back for each step forward. I can't seem to stop sabotaging myself. Wonder why? Is it my inherant ability to only look at the negative?

I once put in a artist statement that I wonder what type of mark I will leave here on earth. I think I know---- CHAOS

I just recently received a notice from friends in a chat room that I supposedly am part of a grass roots movement in 20th century art titled SOUTHERN EXPRESSIONS.....you know, even I have to say that is pretty dog gone amazing.

I was given the opportunity to have this link posted within a group of my peers and friends. It too was guite amazing to receive the cudo's from so many. I don't know how to take compliments, I become uneasy and wish the attention can be directed somewhere else.

Then of course the negativity set in, the attention made me more aware of all the possibilities of being judged, not only for my art but for who I am. See, here I go again...not reveling in the congratualtions but looking for the other shoe to drop once again.

You see I didn't feel I deserved this remarkable achievement. I didn't even know there was a movement. I just painted what I wanted to paint and often found that what I was doing wasn't actually fitting the art scene where I lived. I am usually outside the norm. I don't listen to the same drummer. I don't paint florals or landscapes. I sometimes found my work hung on a back wall when I exhibited with groups because my work did not "flow with the show". I was just grateful that it got hung.

So now here I am with this achievement and wonder how it happened.

Some have told me to quit looking and just be proud.I am proud, but what they don't know is it doesn't have anything to do with the achievement, but everything to do with their caring about me.