About Art

I know this blog is suppose to be about art and how I see it.....but lately it has been about family and death. To me, I somehow have intertwined the two...without family I don't have art, without art I push the family away. This is a dark place to be and anger is ever present for whatever reason and for none at all. I do not wish to be an angry person, but it is where I am.

I am told to just paint...find a brush and canvas and just paint. It is so hard, nothingness is hard to compete with.....but I must do something to break this cycle. I set up the easel and for days I sat in front of it as if something would reach out and grab me. I set up the paint pans, the brushes, the light, the whatever next because nothing was happening. Just pretend. They say to pretend until it happens. I wasn't sure it would but I kept going there.

So I painted. I painted over anything that reminded me of another time. I subdued my colors, I knocked out any recognizable images, I pretended to go through the motions and at some point I found a place to be. I found the zone of unsolicited movement. It just happened. The final product is wishful, misty, quiet, maybe a place I am longing to be......but I painted and right now that is enough.

Broken and shattered

I thought I had quit trying.....then the call came that someone else in the family died suddenly.....21 years old and gone in a flash. A life of suddenness. She was always full of living, enjoying, laughing, trying, and now......she is gone. Another space in my heart ripped out.
Home from the funeral and once again a call....NO...this can't be happening...but yes another passing, and more passing's to come through out this year. How much can a heart take? one after another until the heart just goes numb. Why? no room to grieve, no room to learn to accept, just more sadness and pain. I look forward to this year ending except for the fact no one knows what is just around the corner.......will another boot fall?

the girl who seemed unbreakable
BROKE
the girl who seemed strong
CRUMBLED
the girl who always smiled
Cried
the girl who never gave up
JUST QUIT TRYING!

When does the Pain stop......

When does the Pain stop......
I really don't dwell on the latest events that have happened in my life.....but there are always these unexpected moments that bring it home to the heart. A photo, a small personal item, a letter, a thought.........even the wish to hear someone's voice just one more time. Then the tears flow and you stand there wondering how it happened that the sunshine filled day suddenly becomes a storm. I ask...when does the pain stop? Am I expecting relief too early or am I truly going into the tunnel of darkness of no return. Someone asked the other day HOW ARE YOU DOING.....I told them I am OK except when someone asks and it brings it all back to me once again. Isn't that silly? Everyone says I seem to be doing great...then why does it hurt so much. I guess, it is Father's Day and it is just another reminder that he is gone. I love you Dad. I posted a photo of you on my facebook page and everyone has written that I look just like you....funny, I never noticed it before.

It's late

It's late....or maybe I should say it is early. The wee hours of the morning like 2 am, once again I cannot sleep. I stroll around cyber space looking for motivation, inspiration, someone awake to distract me. Nobody home.....LOL....I did poke someone once on IM when I had a truly terrible night.... awakened them with that poke and got such a grumpy response I won't be doing that again. I have visited my old haunts trying to drum up something, anything, anyone. I don't know why I can't sleep tonight, some nights it is dreams that awaken me, tonight it is the nothingness. I have looked at art books, I have asked friends to go gallery hopping, I have cleaned up my brushes, I read R Genn. Painter's Keys, anything to help me find motivation. That last one, well it put me back in a funk, the letter I read was about how father's inspire their daughters....not a good moment for me on that one.
So anyway, just to get through the darkness I came here to let it go.....maybe one day I will wake up and be ready to start a project, a series, a sculpture.....anything. Tonight I just stare into the glow of a computer screen, maybe I am hoping for a cyber angel to appear and give me directions. Now that would be funny......NOT. Maybe I am comfortable in the stillness and just not aware................................

The long good bye......

It's over...I am drained and I am tired. I am also surprised by how many memories flood my brain at such unique moments and ones that are always catching me off guard. I think I am almost over being angry. That too is a story. But let it be known that my identity, from the things that I thought I knew, has been completely torn asunder. What I thought about what shaped me, in the past just might have been illusion. My make believe..My fantasy world..but, again that is another story.

I guess this blog is all about saying goodbye. To letting it go. To moving on and coping with everything. All of this effects my art, my creative side, my painting. I haven't had any desire to paint, but that is probably an excuse. I have surrounded myself with NOTHINGNESS....guess it is protection. Things that once excited me now just barely catch my attention. I don't like being with people, I don't trust my feelings about who they are any longer, or what they mean to me. At the same time I feel like I am looking through different eyes. Where did I actually go? My father died, why do I feel so dead myself?

I don't understand my feelings. I don't understand much of anything right now. My head is filled with past things, creeping in and capturing all memories. All these memories are also going through changes, seeing them through these new "eyes" that I am wearing, some of them not doing well with the change. More anger. I have to hunt for past things that brought me happiness. I guess I haven't been happy in a long time. Still, I need to let it go. I need to find my identity. I need to reinvent myself and find out who I AM before it is too late for me. I need to find those things that made me happy. So the question for myself would be......Where to begin. I guess it would be with a long good bye to who I was and then get busy in finding out who I am. Will this help me be creative again.... I don't know.

Nothing about ART....just about the now....

THE LONG WAIT with DAD.......

My father has been terminally ill for a year, 3 months and 6 days....his being on hospice that long has really been informative and allowed me to explore my thoughts on good health and how quickly all that can change. The unbelievable suddenness of desperate situations, as well as learning about the difference of preventive health and palliative health....believe me there are some really big differences. These are things not asked to be learned but are forced on you and you better catch on quick cause you don't have much time to study before the next batch of notes and changes are pushed in front of you once again.

The journey that I am learning is one I call "waiting for him to die" and it has brought a lot of understanding about ourselves, well for me anyway, right up front and in your face. It has opened my eyes in certain ways to the dynamics of the family unit. The needs you will fill and the ones you need for yourself, they really start pouring out when you know there is a deadline looming. During this process, this long waiting, I have learned there is nothing I can do...and there is no road map to guide you on the turns, loops, and detours.....mainly you just have to wing it and hang on, and sometimes that is just so very hard. The hairpin curves that nearly took Dad now and then, made this something of a roller coaster ride too. Did I say "something"..let me change that, this has been one helluva roller coaster ride. I do not believe there is one out that that can jerk you around like this one does, monthly, weekly, daily, and yeah hourly and you still hang on for the duration.
The trip has accelerated and is very rapidly approaching the destination and instead of the fear I had at the beginning, I have now come to the point where it is truly ALL ABOUT HIM...and his needs. Making him pain free, no debates any longer about turning him into an addict. His need to be heard, seen, and held as his body deteriorates..no flinching allowed..the changes in his physical body sometimes makes you wonder who is that person, but quick; get over the discomfort of the loss of hair, the lack of muscle tone, the personal hygiene and modesty going by the way side....all the things that make being with a person so easy and now despite the lack there of, you continue to ride, simply for the JOY of being included.

These last days, I find it funny how the small memories stick out and you remember moments and things they might like and the joy on their face when you "did good" and got it right. The joking and the laughter and the memories of things past, who would have thought in a hospital room with a dying person there could be such comfort and easy laughter. The small changes to the sterile room that I could make so it was more cozy and a bit more appealing, adding small details that add meaning to them; but, might be missed by all the others who come to visit. Just letting them know they were an important aspect of your life, not just as a parent but as the person they have shown to you as to who they really are and their strength they show and share in their last hours.

The immediacy of death lingering and hovering all around is so confusing, but it reminds me that there is something of a saying out there in cyber world...not real sure the whole idea or how it goes...but it rings in my ears ..MAN WHAT A RIDE...and yeah Daddy...you sure did give us an exciting one, always and forever.

Love You Always......................................................................

So let's call it Grief

My last entry here was very "dark" and even though this was the holiday season, there was so much pressing on me; that yes, I admit I was really in the pits of despair. It doesn't always hang on this long or go that deep but there are those days and that was one of them. I know that what I wrote was upsetting to those who read, so to help them I think I will just say "let's call it grief".....I have to face the fact that I am in a very long grieving process with my father's ill health. I can not deny it nor stop thinking about it, I am grieving.

I just read RG's newsletter and it seems many feel the same way about grief and loss of someone special and how it effects their artistic creations. I wrote back to RG and tried to express my own experiences. I am afraid that my response will come across as being "dark" and maybe this time he will not accept it nor publish it, makes me wonder why I wrote it and sent it. I talked about other "dark" times in my life in that response and how some people were able to find a way for me to release it and get back to living. I am or seem to be very focused on doom and gloom once again and I have people who work hard at making me smile, I want them to know I appreciate their efforts. I want them to know that I am not always deep in despair nor do I always show how sad I am feeling and for them I will always smile. Yet,I need them to know I still need to talk about this sadness so that I can let it go.

"Most people do not want to talk about the dark side of life and I realize that depression is hard for them to understand unless they too have had the occasion to fall into that trap themselves."
-PAKC

Maybe they have been there and know how to get out much faster than I.
I don't want to pull grief around me like a blanket but it seems that I have.
I don't know of any books or access areas to learn how you are suppose to feel while you wait for someone to die. We are all dying but when you know the imminence of it, you wonder how you are suppose to act. What you are suppose to say. What you should be doing or not doing. How to listen to them without shutting them off because it is too painful. No one teaches us how to allow them to die.....

So all of this swirls around to my other fear. I haven't really had the desire to create anything of substance lately. A few bits and pieces of this and that but no real body of works or any thing that challenges me. Is it the sadness I am feeling that keeps me from being involved artistically? or is this the excuse I use?

P.S. this is the anniversary of my nephew's death. the painting that is shown I painted for him 5 years ago when he died. It is titled "Sean's Song..the call of the bayou". My sister is dealing with more grief than I around this time of year, yet I have empathy for her and know that yes this too will pass and we will move on. We just need time.