Nothing about ART....just about the now....

THE LONG WAIT with DAD.......

My father has been terminally ill for a year, 3 months and 6 days....his being on hospice that long has really been informative and allowed me to explore my thoughts on good health and how quickly all that can change. The unbelievable suddenness of desperate situations, as well as learning about the difference of preventive health and palliative health....believe me there are some really big differences. These are things not asked to be learned but are forced on you and you better catch on quick cause you don't have much time to study before the next batch of notes and changes are pushed in front of you once again.

The journey that I am learning is one I call "waiting for him to die" and it has brought a lot of understanding about ourselves, well for me anyway, right up front and in your face. It has opened my eyes in certain ways to the dynamics of the family unit. The needs you will fill and the ones you need for yourself, they really start pouring out when you know there is a deadline looming. During this process, this long waiting, I have learned there is nothing I can do...and there is no road map to guide you on the turns, loops, and detours.....mainly you just have to wing it and hang on, and sometimes that is just so very hard. The hairpin curves that nearly took Dad now and then, made this something of a roller coaster ride too. Did I say "something"..let me change that, this has been one helluva roller coaster ride. I do not believe there is one out that that can jerk you around like this one does, monthly, weekly, daily, and yeah hourly and you still hang on for the duration.
The trip has accelerated and is very rapidly approaching the destination and instead of the fear I had at the beginning, I have now come to the point where it is truly ALL ABOUT HIM...and his needs. Making him pain free, no debates any longer about turning him into an addict. His need to be heard, seen, and held as his body deteriorates..no flinching allowed..the changes in his physical body sometimes makes you wonder who is that person, but quick; get over the discomfort of the loss of hair, the lack of muscle tone, the personal hygiene and modesty going by the way side....all the things that make being with a person so easy and now despite the lack there of, you continue to ride, simply for the JOY of being included.

These last days, I find it funny how the small memories stick out and you remember moments and things they might like and the joy on their face when you "did good" and got it right. The joking and the laughter and the memories of things past, who would have thought in a hospital room with a dying person there could be such comfort and easy laughter. The small changes to the sterile room that I could make so it was more cozy and a bit more appealing, adding small details that add meaning to them; but, might be missed by all the others who come to visit. Just letting them know they were an important aspect of your life, not just as a parent but as the person they have shown to you as to who they really are and their strength they show and share in their last hours.

The immediacy of death lingering and hovering all around is so confusing, but it reminds me that there is something of a saying out there in cyber world...not real sure the whole idea or how it goes...but it rings in my ears ..MAN WHAT A RIDE...and yeah Daddy...you sure did give us an exciting one, always and forever.

Love You Always......................................................................