So let's call it Grief

My last entry here was very "dark" and even though this was the holiday season, there was so much pressing on me; that yes, I admit I was really in the pits of despair. It doesn't always hang on this long or go that deep but there are those days and that was one of them. I know that what I wrote was upsetting to those who read, so to help them I think I will just say "let's call it grief".....I have to face the fact that I am in a very long grieving process with my father's ill health. I can not deny it nor stop thinking about it, I am grieving.

I just read RG's newsletter and it seems many feel the same way about grief and loss of someone special and how it effects their artistic creations. I wrote back to RG and tried to express my own experiences. I am afraid that my response will come across as being "dark" and maybe this time he will not accept it nor publish it, makes me wonder why I wrote it and sent it. I talked about other "dark" times in my life in that response and how some people were able to find a way for me to release it and get back to living. I am or seem to be very focused on doom and gloom once again and I have people who work hard at making me smile, I want them to know I appreciate their efforts. I want them to know that I am not always deep in despair nor do I always show how sad I am feeling and for them I will always smile. Yet,I need them to know I still need to talk about this sadness so that I can let it go.

"Most people do not want to talk about the dark side of life and I realize that depression is hard for them to understand unless they too have had the occasion to fall into that trap themselves."
-PAKC

Maybe they have been there and know how to get out much faster than I.
I don't want to pull grief around me like a blanket but it seems that I have.
I don't know of any books or access areas to learn how you are suppose to feel while you wait for someone to die. We are all dying but when you know the imminence of it, you wonder how you are suppose to act. What you are suppose to say. What you should be doing or not doing. How to listen to them without shutting them off because it is too painful. No one teaches us how to allow them to die.....

So all of this swirls around to my other fear. I haven't really had the desire to create anything of substance lately. A few bits and pieces of this and that but no real body of works or any thing that challenges me. Is it the sadness I am feeling that keeps me from being involved artistically? or is this the excuse I use?

P.S. this is the anniversary of my nephew's death. the painting that is shown I painted for him 5 years ago when he died. It is titled "Sean's Song..the call of the bayou". My sister is dealing with more grief than I around this time of year, yet I have empathy for her and know that yes this too will pass and we will move on. We just need time.